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Found articles: 32

  • All I Got Was This Snake

     As I write this I have a little snake on my shoulder. It is kind of like a chip, but it is stuffed with cotton and would not taste good when placed in dip. The snake is worth about a dollar, but I was lucky enough to only pay about twenty for it...More

  • Wanting Signs: A Follow-Up

     I am addressing something that I should have addressed long ago, which I guess is the same that can be said for an envelope that needs to be sent to Milwaukee, except I don't know anyone in Milwaukee, so whose name should I put on the address label? As it turns out, over 400 people every month use the Google search engine to find out information about "wanted signs." I am not sure why so many people are interested in this term.More

  • A Polar Valentine

     Over the years I have blamed the downfall of society on multiple people, places and things. And then when I ran out of nouns, I moved right into the pronouns, even though I consider myself an amateur. But this time I have the proper target for anything bad that has ever happened to anyone at any time: television broadcast teasers...More

  • Making 2006, Like, a Big Deal and Stuff

     The new year is approaching us, and that means that most people are thinking about the resolution that sounds the most impressive to others and yet is also simultaneously the easiest to break. Meanwhile, I am thinking about some changes that I believe can benefit society -- and trust me, I know a lot about society. Or maybe it's Monopoly.More

  • Let Me Drive You Home From the Gas Station

     People never seem to amaze me. And by that I mean that people amaze me once in a while, and the rest of the time I try to remain unimpressed -- and usually succeed. Take this evening, for example: after getting gas in my car -- and keep in mind that I live in NJ, where we are not allowed to pump our own because people don't trust us enough -- the station attendant asked me where I was going.More

  • This Song Won't Be Turned Into a Dance

     Earlier today I was driving behind a truck with one of those "How's my driving?" stickers posted on it. Underneath the sticker, of course, was a phone number so that people can call.More

  • Walls 'R Us

     Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking at Rutgers University in front of around 150 high school students, which was a lot better than speaking behind them. The subject was humor columns, so it goes without saying that walruses came up multiple times. I mean, so many times that I completely lost track.More

  • Hoop Dream

     Last night I had a dream where I was doing stand-up comedy in a gym, which in itself is pretty funny, except that my first joke completely bombed. I remember it so vividly that I keep having to remind myself it did not really happen. It went a lot like this: "Isn't it weird how people always think they're so great when they play basketball in their own driveways?More

  • When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

     It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold.More

  • [Not So] Outgoing Mail

     I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn't even respond. What's so outgoing about that?More