Bush Vetoes Charcoal Grill Bill; Cites Carbon As Fundamental Component Of All Life

By: Tom Attea
Submitted: 2007-01-17 10:58:00
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As expected, George Bush exercised his veto power and expunged the controversial Charcoal Grill Bill that the Senate and the House, growing wiser about the promise of science, bravely passed – without, however, enough votes to override his ill-considered flick of the pen. The bill would have allowed federal funding for barbeque research. It was the first veto of his presidency.

Citing the role of carbon, not only in charcoal briquettes, but as the fundamental component of life, Mr. Bush stated, “You’ve got to respect carbon. Without it, none of us would be here.” He then pointed to himself, and said, “For instance, I wouldn’t be here. I owe my life to carbon.”

Standing behind him were a number of effervescently grateful families who had been invited to participate in the photo op.

Mr. Bush, smiling broadly, picked up one of the children, and stated, “Same goes for all these families and their wonderful children. Without carbon, they wouldn’t be here.”

A reporter noted, "I believe that's correct, sir, since carbon is also found in oil, and I'm sure they drove or flew in."

“Oh, s---,” Bush exclaimed. “Being the president is a lot harder than I thought. Don’t tell me! In oil, too?"

"Yes, sir, and in coal."

"Well, I’m not a chemist," the President admitted. "So I’ll have to look into that. If it’s true, I’ll have to come out against coal burning.”

“What about oil burning?” the reporter pressed.

“That’s another question I’ll have to ask the experts. We have a lot of those fellows back in the big derrick state. I’ll do whatever’s necessary. As you know, I have eight vetoes.”

“Eight?” the reporter asked.

“Yes, and so far I only exercised one,” the President said, and then volunteered, “I’ll show you.”

With that, he kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks. Then, with a remarkably simian-like move, he kicked up his feet and pointed at them.

“See, I have five toes on each foot. That makes four spaces between them, or, if you count both feet, a total of eight spaces. Now, notice how the space between every two toes creates a V. Those are my vetoes. Count ‘em. Eight. So I’m ready to do my sacred duty to protect carbon and all its creations.”

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."

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