O The Price of Biscuits and Gravy

By: Leeuna Foster
Submitted: 2007-01-17 10:58:11
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Hey, does anybody out there have diabetes?

Well, if you're shaped like a pear and you're from the South where the three main food groups are flour, sugar and lard, (pronounced shortening for you Northern folk) then you have a good chance of developing it.

It ain't no picnic, and about as aggravating as a loose tooth.

I wasn't always round. I was a very skinny child, all hair and eyeballs. I have naturally curly hair and my mama refused to let me cut it until I was thirty or there abouts. You could have drawn big round eyes on a rag mop and stood us up side by side and we would have been twins.

I ate what everyone else ate, but I stayed skinny, all the way through school and up until my fourth marriage. I've always felt that fat people were happy people. My sister remarked on my weight gain and told me to get miserable for a change. "I swear , if you get any happier you won't be able to fit through the kitchen door."

Well, turns out she was right. I was pushing against 200 pounds this time last year. I kept feeling sick, and short of breath. My eyes didn't work right and I had about as much energy as a dead house cat. All of this combined was a pretty good sign that I needed to see a doctor. I did. He did the blood work. He told me I had developed type 2 diabetes.

The normal range for the hemoglobin A1c (a simple lab test that shows the average amount of sugar (also called glucose) that has been in a person's blood over the last 3 months) should be around 7 or below. Mine was 14.3. My blood sugar had been at a constant level of 400 for the past several months.

I was immediately handcuffed, taken into custody and sentenced to a life of green weeds, vegetables, fruit and no bread! Gone were the days of freedom where I could eat fried pork chops, biscuits and gravy, mashed potatoes, wash it all down with a huge glass of sweet tea (with real sugar) and finish it all off with an entire chocolate cake topped with a half gallon of vanilla ice cream.

No! I even had to eat my weeds and fruit from a small plate about the size of a silver dollar. Gone was the macaroni and cheese, the cornbread and beans, the fried potatoes, the overflowing plate and the sweet, sweet tea (with real sugar).

If you need a good laxative, try Splenda. The first time I tried it I was amazed. My stomach started to make noises that sounded like a volcano was getting ready to erupt. And talk about flatulence! I tooted with each step I took. And these weren't quite little poots either. It sounded like thunder. It rattled the windows. My poor Hubby. He was so patient through it all.

However, since I was feeling a lot better after the medication started working and my glucose levels were beginning to return to normal, I have stayed with the diet. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes I get so hungry I could eat a pile of dirt...if it was mixed with lard and sugar and shaped like a biscuit.

Oh, and I don't look extremely happy anymore. I weighed this morning and I am down to 129 pounds. I look like my rag mop once again.

Think I'll get us both dressed up, draw her a pair of big round eyes and go have our pictures taken. I'll be the one on the left with the short hair.

Leeuna Foster is a Marketing Strategist, Author and Poet. She has been writing for two decades and her short fiction and poetry have won several national and regional awards. If you enjoy Southern Humor, visit her website at: http://www.southernfriedwriters.com

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