Some Guys Have All The Luck

By: Tim Knox
Submitted: 2007-01-17 11:30:28
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When I was in high school the best way to meet girls was to join a rock'n'roll band. These days you'd be better served by joining The Young Democrats Club.

Thanks (in no small part) to the "alleged" escapades of our beloved President Bill "Do You Wanna Touch Me" Clinton, politicians have joined the ranks of TV evangelists and errant sportscasters as the men most likely to get caught with their pants down. Guilty or not, Bill Clinton has become the Marv Albert of the politico set, and the American people could not care less.

Despite all his troubles, the President's approval rating soared to an all-time high last week. This can be attributed to one of two things:

(1) Either the American people don't give a hoot what Bill Clinton does with his presidential staff; or

(2) They feel sorry for him because Hostess recalled every Twinkie and HoHo in Washington last week because of an asbestos scare. Whatever the reason, it looks like Wild Bill is going to skate once again.

Since sex seems to be on everyone's minds these days, I thought this would be the perfect time to examine two recent studies that focus on that very subject. But before we get into the scientific chaff, I'd like to set the mood by recalling the words of that great philosopher of the 1980s, George Michael, who said, "Sex is a natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should."

Dumb and dumber

The first study comes to us from the pages of American Demographics Magazine. This study proves that sometimes smarter ain't better.

The National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago surveyed 10,000 Americans over the course of 10 years and learned that the more educated you are, the less sex you have. That's right, I said: THE MORE EDUCATED YOU ARE, THE LESS SEX YOU HAVE! And to think that my old man gave me a hard time for dropping out of school.

Here are the numbers:

- High school graduates averaged 58 sexual contacts per year.

- Those with some college averaged 62 sexual contacts per year.

- Those with a four year degree averaged 56 sexual contacts per year.

- And you post-graduate students who have been in school longer than most of us have been alive, do good to get it 50 times a year (I'll bet you already knew that).

Like I've always said, "A mind is a terrible thing." The study also found that those who work more, score more. People who worked at least 60 hours a week averaged 65 sexual contacts per year. The report neglected to say what percentage of those contacts were made at the office with coworkers on top of Xerox machines, but that's a minor point.

The most surprising finding was that those of us with less free time have more sex. Maybe it's because when we get that tiny window of opportunity, we seize it!

"Okay, honey, the cat's been fed, the kids are at your mother's, the phone's not ringing, there's nobody at the door, your fat sister isn't sprawled out in my recliner, I've clipped my toenails and brushed my teeth and Leno doesn't come on for another minute and a half. Come on! LET'S GOOOOOOOO!"

Sex makes you live longer

Our second study, this one published in the British Medical Journal, has nothing to do with who gets the most sex, but explains why every man should get all he can. Bill Clinton's going to love this one.

The findings of Dr. George Davey Smith and Stephen Frankel (two overly-educated college professors who don't have as much sex as their students) suggest that men who have frequent sex live longer. Did you hear that one, guys? MEN WHO HAVE FREQUENT SEX LIVE LONGER! That is, of course, unless you're having frequent sex with your neighbor's wife and he catches you in the act. The study did not account for acts of blatant stupidity.

Smith and Frankel claim that men who had sex less than once a month had twice the death rate of men who had sex once a week. What a great comeback for those times when your mate claims to have a headache! "I don't care if you have a headache! This is a matter of life and death!"

And the moral is...

So, my fellow Americans, what have we learned from all this? The answer is simple: The less educated you are, the more sex you'll have, and the more sex you have, the longer you'll live. And if you happen to be the President of the United States and you get caught cheating on your wife, just claim that you were following doctor's orders.

In the words of William Jefferson Clinton, "Is this a great country or what?"

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