Criticism Gets You No Where

By: Ellen Cahill
Submitted: 2007-01-17 15:33:26
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"Do you know someone that you would like to change and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others – and a lot less dangerous."

Criticizing others rarely does any good because people are not creatures of logic, they are creatures of emotion. Very rarely will you criticize someone and hear them respond with "Why thank you, I see you are correct and I shall improve immediately."

No, criticism is a dangerous spark that usually brings out every unbalanced Advisor (thoughts in your head) the other person has. When we feel attacked (which is what being told you are wrong feels like), we usually respond in one of two ways, 1) with hurtful emotion or 2) defensive anger. Neither of which is productive in the least.

Can you remember a time when someone criticized you? Do you remember how you REACTED? Did their criticism do any good? Did it inspire you to improve? Probably not, it rarely does. How do you feel about that person today?

As parents, we often stumble and destroy good lessons for our children by criticizing them for their mistakes. In so doing, we create anger and hurt directed at us, instead of letting the natural consequences of the mistake teach the lesson.

Benjamin Franklin said his secret to success was to" speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody." This is a good policy.

Any one can criticize, condemn and complain. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. It is also a much smarter way to live.

Instead of criticizing, try stepping into another person’s world. Ask them questions, find out where they are and how they feel about an issue. Validate them as a human being by caring about what they think and feel. As you question, you may learn things about this person which explains the problem. You may then, have the opportunity to show up for them (not to advise or fix them) but offer to show up for them in a different way.

This approach will lead to more solutions, improvements and change than any amount of criticism ever could.

Now what about when someone criticizes you? You will feel the reaction, as they trigger those Advisors in you, to defend yourself. Don’t do it. Step back.

From a safer perspective, you should be able to see that this person owns this problem (it is about them – not you). See this criticism as a door into their world, instead of as an attack on you. This is a wonderful opportunity to walk through that door into their world and find out what is really going on. Instead of defending yourself, ask them "Tell me why you feel that way?"

Let them get it out. Ask more questions, find out how they feel and where these perceptions of theirs have come from. Make sure that they feel heard and understood. (This does not mean you agree with them – This does not mean you will give them their way) It means that you will validate them as a person with the right to feel the way they do. You will let them feel heard.

From here you can work on a solution to strengthen the relationship. Whenever you are on either end of criticism – ask yourself what your highest best self would do. Treat others as you would be treated.

Excerpts from University of Success Lesson 31 – Og Mandino Ellen Cahill, M.A., Six Advisors Consultant, www.leapsandboundscoaching.com – 215-355-6316 (phone)

Ellen Cahill is President of Leaps and Bounds:Pathways To Success. She is a Certified Comprehensive Coach and Certified Six Advisors Consultant. She knows your thoughts will lead you to success or sabotage your results. She has a tool to get an accurate measure of thought processes and a program to make changes fast. Contact Ellen at 215-355-6316.

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