Real Men Don't Plan Weddings

By: Scot McKay
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:25:24
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Most of you know that my podcast co-host, best friend and overall "main squeeze" Emily and I are getting married in December. I couldn't be a happier guy about that. After all, she's a fantastic woman. This means, of course, we've spent much of the last month since our engagement (which happened during "X & Y On The Fly" podcast episode 11) planning our wedding and everything associated with it. Over the course of that relatively brief period of time, I've already come to a profound conclusion.

Real men don't plan weddings.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that real men don't get married. Quite the contrary. Most good men seek to find genuine love with one great woman sooner than later, and look forward to coming home to her every night. And that's a great thing.

That said, however, I believe I've come up with a previously undetected reason why men seem to have trouble taking that step towards the "lifetime commitment" of marriage. Thousands (if not millions) of women everywhere have long wondered how a man can be so eager to have her around month after month without "popping the question". Months can turn into years, and still no ring and no date.

Is it really that all of these men are "commitment phobes" who are looking for "better options"?

Possibly. But if that were the case, why would those same guys be spending so much time sitting around watching the tube and drinking beer instead of searching out "options"? It all just doesn't add up, does it?

Well, ladies (and gentlemen), the sensible explanation for all of this is disarmingly simple, although most likely subliminal in the mind of every guy it affects.

It's not that we're afraid of marriage or commitment. It's that we are utterly terrified of planning the wedding.

I first presented this groundbreaking hypothesis to Emily, and was met with skepticism. "Oh, c'mon. How can that be? Putting all of this together is exciting. Don't you think it is fun?"

I responded simply. "I'd rather do sudoku puzzles."

She looked at me in shock. After all, I'd famously rather do my taxes and / or watch paint dry than touch any blasted sudoku puzzle with a ten-foot pencil. At least tax returns involve number crunching that is actually necessary and may result in a refund check.

"Seriously...", I elaborated, "...name one guy you've ever known who was excited about planning his wedding."

She named a few. After brief consideration, I countered that those guys had to have been merely demonstrating "sympathy excitement", which doesn't count.

I therefore revised my challenge. "OK...well...short of anyone who is a clinically-problematic 'control freak', name one guy who ended up arranging all the details himself, according to his own thoughts and wishes."

"Yeah, well...you've got me there.", Emily retorted, punctuated with a snicker.

Really now. It's a downright silly thought. What guy feels that passionately towards flowers, table settings, elaborate dresses and throwing social parties? Even if he did, there's no way he could wrestle control of such from the bride while remaining engaged.

Exactly! Wedding ceremonies and receptions are all about the bride. I mean, the guy involved doesn't even have a real title--he's just there to "groom" the bride! Therefore, everything involved with planning such things is utterly feminine.

Us guys really find it all rather tedious. To us wedding planning is like one big, protracted trek to the mall for shoe shopping.

Oh sure. We go along when absolutely necessary to "show support" and to make sure "we approve". But heaven help us if we didn't "approve" of something along the way. It would mean being dragged to more prospective "settings" festooned with Gazebos and year-round Christmas lights. So the women...Emily included...typically get the rubber stamp from the "Groom".

Guys like me would have been happy just to go to the JP and get on with it, maybe draining a few "cold ones" afterwards. Even when wrapped up in a more "formal" wedding, we all don't want or need any elaborate consideration. Just rent me the same tux the other guys are wearing. No biggee.

Despite my ranting, all of this deep thought really has helped me put things into perspective and I accept my short-term lot in life gladly. I won't begrudge the bride her wedding planning bliss one bit.

Here's why.

For a woman, this really is her one chance (hopefully) to live out all of her fantasies associated with being a "Disney Princess" and throwing the big party to back it up.

Obviously, every business owner who ever touches a wedding already knows this. I've dealt with ten years' worth of obnoxious, abrasive people in the last few weeks, all of whom clearly on the immediate defensive vis-? -vis a steady parade of highly-demanding "bridezillas" who demanded perfection. This, of course, only contributed to how much more loathsome the entire process became for me. And this was before my realization that uttering the very word "wedding" triggers a "surcharge mechanism"'. Painful.

"So..." Emily later said, "...your demeanor has changed about all this wedding stuff. What's up with that?"

My reply was thought out ahead of time and therefore clearly stated, "Lookit. I'm fortunate to be a guy. I theoretically get several chances at making certain lifetime dreams go off perfectly. If, however, I only had one chance on one particular day to get one car that I wanted--and was committed to it for life--I would take a lot of time in getting ready for that."

"And I'd support you through that process 100%.", she said. "But I would be bored to tears every minute of it."

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