Divorce: The Silent Price - 3 Easy Tips to Prevent Parental Alienation

By: Dr. Charles Sophy
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:23:54
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Let's face it - divorce is hard. For parents, for kids, for families, even for the family pet... divorce is difficult. Yet turn on any TV program and you'll see divorced parents happily raising their successful children - shows in which every problem can be solved in 30 - 60 minutes - shows in which the child moves seamlessly between two households and where the parents remain the best of friends and communicate openly while sharing the parenting responsibilities.

Communication and cooperation are supposed to be two-way streets, but things don't always turn out the way they should. Sadly, the majority of marriages end bitterly and it takes many years for both partners to come to terms with the marriage breakdown and stop punishing each other. Often times, however, those years of communication breakdown affect the children deeply.

It's common in single parent households, for the custodial parent to develop a deep bond with the child. In households where there are still unresolved issues between the divorced adults, the connection between custodial parent and child could, directly or indirectly, lead to conflicts with the non-custodial parent.

Let's meet Sam & Amanda

Sam is eight years old. He has an older sister, Amanda, who is twelve years old. Though Sam and Amanda's parents have just formally divorced, they have been separated for two years.

During the separation period, things appeared to run smoothly. The parents shared the parenting responsibilities and dad was lucky enough to rent a house a block away from the kids so they spent a lot of time voluntarily shuttling back and forth between both households. Both parents made the effort to communicate as everyone adjusted to the fact that daddy now slept in a different house.

When the divorce was finalized, things changed. Within a month of the divorce, Sam began refusing to visit his father. His sister, Amanda, would walk him home from school and then walk over to her father's house to spend the evening with him. Three to four nights a week, she would dine with her father - just as they had during the separation.

Amanda didn't understand why her brother didn't want to join her but she was happy to have dad all to herself and her feelings made her feel guilty when she saw Sam at school the next day.

Sam's behavior began to deteriorate. His school work began slipping and he was exhibiting increasingly aggressive behavior on the school ground and towards his sister.

The nights that Amanda was home with Sam and their mother, she would attempt to talk to Sam to see if she could coax him into visiting their father. Day after day, Sam refused. The pattern continued for a month before Amanda approached her mother with her concerns. Her mother refused to validate Amanda's concerns, even stating that it really is best if Sam "stayed away from that man - and so should you. I don't know why you go there all the time. Aren't we good enough for you?"

Amanda fled from the house crying and ran straight to her father. He listened to her as she expressed her sadness over the marriage breakdown and the loss of her best friend, her little brother. Dad listened to all her concerns and then they talked about giving Sam a bit more time to adjust to the change. "Even though we've been separated for quite some time, the divorce makes it final. There's no going back now. I know we've all wished that things would go back to the way they were before but the divorce puts an end to all those wishes... for all of us. He's angry and disappointed that all the wishing and hoping he's been doing the last two years didn't fix this." Dad said. "But it's not his job to fix this" was Amanda's reply. "I know that and you know that... but you have to remember that Sam was just little when mom and I separated... and he's still a little boy. So go easy on him. Just be there to listen if he wants to talk and don't push him to visit. He'll come when he's ready."

After six months, Sam was still refusing to visit his father, and Amanda, faced with pressure from both her brother and mother, decreased her visitation schedule. As the father lived in the same neighborhood as his children, he would often see them around the neighborhood. Sam would pretend he didn't see him and run home to his mother. If they happened to speak, Sam was incredibly rude and belligerent and Amanda was incredibly sad. Sam clearly had little respect for his father and Amanda was clearly conflicted about her continued love for her father when others in her household appeared to have stopped loving him.

Dad expressed his concerns to Mom who replied “Who cares – what have you done to deserve respect. You’ve abandoned us!” so he turned to external support. Dad arranged for Sam to be referred for counseling by the school. His aggressive behavior had traveled from the playground to the classroom and was disruptive to the other children so the school arranged for him to meet with a counselor. The school also arranged for Amanda to meet with the counselor as she was still exhibiting a lot of confusion over the behavior of her brother and mother and was struggling with conflicting feelings for both parents.

Through active discussion with Sam during these sessions, it was discovered that Mom often shares her anger and bitterness towards Dad with Sam. She makes disparaging remarks about his father and has even started to make comments about Amanda on the evenings she spent with her father.

Mom was engaging in potential parental alienating behavior with the aim of severing the relationship between her children and their father. Her anger and disappointment in the marriage breakdown were unresolved issues in her life that prevented her from being able to close this chapter of her life and move forward. And Mom may not have even been aware of the result of her discussions.

Together with the counselor, Dad and Sam bridged the gap with open and honest communication and started to counter some of the negative feelings that Sam had inherited from Mom. Amanda was given some coping mechanisms for dealing with her mother’s aggressive behavior and the children resumed a healthy relationship with their father.

Here are a few tips that divorced parents can use to ensure they do not engage in parental alienation behavior.

1) Resolve: your own feelings about the divorce and life changes.

2) Allow: your children to have a safe space with both parents to communicate their feelings.

3) Never: have your children pay the price for your feelings.

Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.

Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep ‘Em Off My Couch” blog, provides real simple answers for solving life’s biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com

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