Divorcing Parents: Honor Your Child's Feelings

By: Suzette Hinton
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:25:20
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Hi, I am your child. I just lost my family. My dad doesn’t live with us anymore. Nobody even asked me about it. You just told me and thought that hugging me and telling me that you love me was enough. It wasn't.

This is the lament of our children. We tell ourselves we are doing what is in their best interest but rarely do we respect how they feel. We try to tell them everything will be okay, yet they feel the stress and tension we are under. We tell them that our love is unchanged but they watch helplessly as they lose one thing after another.

As divorcing parents, we are admonished by child advocates, mediators and the courts to put the child’s interest first. But many times, our actions send a different message to our children. Post-divorce, I was challenged with two decisions. One was subtle and the other was more blatant, but both required that I put my child’s BEST interest before my own.

Should I change my name back to my maiden name? This was one of those decisions I had to make. To me, my husband's last name represented pain. It tied me to a life that I preferred to disconnect from in every possible way. But, to my son, this last name connected all of us. This last name signified his belonging.

A child may perceive a name change as your decision to detach from him. He might wonder if his mother’s love has changed somehow. Someone once said, “there is no right or wrong, but only perception.” Post-divorce, our children need to feel connected; otherwise, they feel vulnerable and unsafe. Likewise, I considered that my changing to my maiden name might make my child feel a heightened sense of abandonment.

Then there was the issue of custody. How much time should the child spend with each parent? This is a very sensitive and scary issue that is often decided by the courts as we parents clamor not to lose importance and visibility in our child's life.

Initially, my ex and I tried a split custody arrangement where our son lived with his father for one week, then our son lived with me for one week. This was his ongoing schedule. Almost immediately, this took its toll on our son. It was too unstable. His father and I had different lifestyles. Our values, our priorities, our expectations and other inconsistencies created chaos as our child had to constantly recalibrate and switch on a weekly basis.

Our son spent most of his time preparing to leave one residence and preparing to go to another. He was constantly doing laundry and constantly cleaning up his room. Sure, these are great skills for our child to have but, due to the schedule, he never got a break.

Then there was homework. If he had a project due in a week or two, he’d have to split its preparation between two households. Then while getting ready for school, our son would often discover that he didn’t have a textbook or some other important school item. He’d stress over trying to remember where he last had it. And many times, this would involve going back to his dad’s and searching for it.

Despite our efforts to have clothes, toiletries and other comforts of home at both residences and coordinating schedules, something as simple as clothing became hugh. For instance, our child had a favored outfit at one house and wanted to wear it at the other. To tell him he couldn’t, because it was at his dad's house, sent the message that he couldn’t wear his own clothes. But on the other hand, if he did wear the favored outfit or removed clothes from one residence, he'd have to transport his desired outfits between houses. And inadvertently, one house would end up with more clothes than the other. Hence, a simple decision became stressful and cumbersome.

I encourage divorcing parents, and every parent for that matter, to value your child’s feelings. Please strive to make decisions that honor his importance and nourish his spirit.

Article source: Expert Articles