Five Invaluable Lessons My Divorce Taught Me

By: Matthew Robert Payne
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:25:20
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How can I be so positive about a divorce that shattered me? That is a question that will have many of you scratching your heads.

She had a dress’ size ten and she was Lebanese Catholic and she was the prettiest girl at the Amway convention and she wanted to speak to me. She was a winner, she was forthright, she had a wonderful laugh and a great pair of legs and she wanted to meet me in private. Three months later she was pregnant and we were engaged to be married.

1 My divorce taught me how to love someone that isn’t in your bed.

When I was married to Sharryn I spent one week away from her and I thought I was going to die. The idea of ever having to spend weeks apart from her was all too much for me to contemplate. I was more than in love with Sharryn. I was addicted and there is a difference.

When we separated I came to love my wife in other ways. As she was seeing another male we didn’t sleep together any more and it was kind of strange being in love with your wife when she was sleeping with another male. I think it’s really sexist and unfair that men’s love for a woman so often comes back to the sexual union and I was happy that I could still love my wife when another man was sleeping with her.

I found out that her new partner liked tennis and we had a lot in common and a lot to talk about so we took to playing tennis with each other once every two weeks or so. My young son at about four years of age would run all around the court to pick up the balls and we would play with my son also and got him playing well for a young lad. This man was good for my wife, and yet not good enough as she left him and broke his heart also 18 months later.

Then we had more in common!

2. My break-up taught me how to pray in tongues.

I grew up in a traditional church which did not believe in the gifts of the Spirit including the ability to speak in tongues and language of angels. One day when I was trying to pray for my wife and the aforementioned tennis partner I was having a hard time not praying a selfish prayer where I was the winner if it was answered. I wanted to bless my wife and really wanted her best and so I was struggling because all of me wanted her relationship with this adulterer to break up and her to come back to me confessing it was all a big mistake.

The Holy Spirit noticed my dilemma and out of my mouth came this wonderful love-filled prayer for my wife. My own mind was not involved in forming the words and the first I heard the words was not in my mind but as they came out of my mouth. Such was the magnificence of the words and the prayer that I began to weep. Here I was praying this prayer that went for about ten minutes as tears streamed down my face.

I have prayed a lot of prayers in my time and few could have been as good as that prayer. When I finished the prayer I asked Jesus what had gone on and He said.

“That is the gift of tongues Matthew. You don’t believe in tongues but the gift is there for you to use when you want from now on all you need is to speak it out.”

So I owe it to my wife for activating my gift of tongues.

3. My break-up taught me about treasuring something precious

They say that we don’t really appreciate something until it is gone. It’s not until we are ill with the flu that we really appreciate what being well is all about. It is not until we lose a loved one that we realize how precious that loved one really was to us.

Take a moment and think of your health and thank God for your good health if you have it at the moment. And if you have lost a partner, take the time and thank God for all the happy times and experiences you had with that precious person.

People talk about the bad times and I honestly can’t remember the bad times in my marriage. All I can remember are the good times and some of the highlights of our marriage. I can smell a perfume on a girl still today 14 years later and love my Sharryn in that perfume.

There are songs on the radio that play that were popular when we were together. There are her favourite movies and her favourite bands and her favourite foods. All of these things continue to come before me and I appreciate all the good things we shared. Jesus was really good to me giving me such a wonderful wife and she was just a poor broken girl falling in love with me and falling pregnant.

Have you got people in your life that you are not treating precious? Perhaps it’s too late for your spouse, but it might not be too late to tell your mother in law that you love her and will always love her like your own mother.

We wreck our lives so easily and we cut off a leg because it is sore rather than going to the doctor. Just because you have lost your partner is no reason for the in-laws or the children to suffer.

4. My break up taught me how to forgive.

My wife through the divorce and custody arrangements hurt me a lot. I had a friend prophesy to me last week that it hurt God to take her away from me, but my wife had a controlling spirit that wanted me dead and that God took her way from me on purpose to save my life.

I did one breakdown through the trauma that came from the custody case and away from her I have fared quite well. Through the entire trauma I learned to forgive that lady of my heart. In the process of forgiving I began to apply what I learned to other significant relationships in my life. Soon I was set on a path that took me years and made me into a better man.

Forgiveness is a habit we can all learn and the Lord Jesus makes it pretty clear that we cannot be forgiven if we don’t first forgive others. Not that I want to preach to you, but the way through your struggle is to walk in your partner’s shoes and learn to forgive.

For a headache everyone reaches for a tablet that will take the pain away. Well forgiveness is like that tablet. It takes the pressure away and helps you see clearly. Take the time to ask God to help your forgive. You don’t even need to be a church-goer. God will honour your prayer and help you let go. Carrying around unforgiveness is like dragging the whole world around with you.

From the day I prayed in tongues to the day I played tennis with her partner I did my share of forgiveness. That partner now has a wonderful wife and my wife has re- married and last time I heard she was happy and going on with Jesus and I am happy and quite content being single.

I think it is a great thing to be in love once in your life. I feel it’s an honour to be single for the Lord now. Since I made my decision to stay single I have had three offers and that was flattering to my ego.

5. My break-up gave me insight into characters for stories and something to write about.

As a writer I am always savouring my life experience. If I love Thai green chicken curry, you’ll see that turn up in a novel I have written as one of the characters bog in and eat. Everyone likes a character with life experience.

I am not one for text books. I like to research a subject but the best books are ones that are littered with real life experience as the author explains each point. I am a person like that. If you have been hurt in a break up remember that every band aid that gets ripped off your skin hurts. You were bonded together in marriage and in covenant and of course it’s going to hurt when it gets ripped apart.

I heard marriage explained like this once and it helped me a lot. Just imagine you are red cordial and your wife is yellow cordial and the day you unite in sexual union you mix together and become orange cordial. Divorce is trying to get you back to red and her back to yellow and you might almost get back to red but there will always be a tinge of orange in you. Whether you like it or not your partner is with you wherever you go.

I pray for my wife. I love her more today than the day I married her. I am not sure if her evil spirit has been exorcised from her but I really love her heaps and heaps.

But I am just a romantic.

How are you feeling?

Put it down on paper, find out if her new partner plays tennis and go and have a game of tennis with him. Or ladies’ find out about his new lady and take her out for a coffee and give her a few tips on how to make him happy and share his favourite meals with her.

Jesus spoke about turning the other cheek. If you couldn’t make it work, help the new partner make it work; at least in their success you will find some happiness.

I am just a romantic.

If you enjoy this article can you pray for my wife Sharryn that she would be okay.

May God bless you.

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