One Worthless Woman After Another - Breaking the Cycle of Divorce

By: Greg Baer
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:25:25
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It's not uncommon these days for people to divorce and remarry several times. I've personally counseled men and women who have gone though 8 and 9 divorces by the age of 40. Every time, the man or woman complains that each spouse turned out to be just like the last one. They can never understand how they keep marrying for the same nagging, controlling, selfish, angry "piece of garbage" that they just divorced. The following letter I recently received is a good example of this seemingly never-ending cycle:

"I divorced my first wife a year ago and married another woman several months ago. When we were dating, I thought my new wife was really different, but she's already nagging me, telling me what to do, and complaining about what I don't do for her—just like the first wife did. Why do women turn out to be so different than you thought? Are they just pretending when you're dating? I'm thinking about getting divorced again, but maybe I should wait. What do you think?"

What we all want most is Real Love—what I call 'unconditional love'—but when we can't get that—which is almost all the time—we settle for whatever makes us feel good temporarily: sex, money, entertainment, and the temporary approval of other people. Without Real Love, all those forms of Imitation Love seem like they make us happy, but the feeling never lasts.

That's what's happened with you and both your wives. Having little or no experience with Real Love, you were satisfied in the beginning with the physical beauty, conditional approval, sex, and whatever else you got from both women. And they were satisfied with the Imitation Love you gave them. But the effect of Imitation Love always wears off, and when that happened, you and your wives became dissatisfied. They began to complain that you weren't making them "happy" as you once did. They didn't realize—and you didn't either—that your relationship was based on the exchange of Imitation Love instead of on Real Love. Such a relationship can never be genuinely happy. Your relationships were pretty much doomed from the moment you met these women. None of this was intentional on their part or yours—you simply couldn't give each other Real Love you'd never received.

You're wondering why things were great in the beginning but then changed so much. Do women pretend to be something other than what they are? Yes, they do pretend, and so do men. We "put our best food forward" with people, not realizing that we're actually deceiving them in an effort to get them to like us. You and your second wife, for example, each put your best foot forward, and after you got married, you both discovered that there was "another foot" and a whole lot more you didn't count on. She was "happy" with you in the beginning because she liked your best foot—because she liked the Imitation Love you offered—but when the initial excitement wore off, she became unhappy and wondered why you didn't keep making her happy as you once did. She started nagging and making demands, hoping that if you gave her more Imitation Love she'd be happy. But of course that never works, because it was Real Love she needed.

The bottom line is this: You and your wives have tried to make each other happy without Real Love. That's impossible. You tried harder. Same result. So what's the solution? At this point the answer is certainly not to divorce your second wife. You'd be right back where you started—you wouldn't feel unconditionally loved, and you'd be certain to repeat this same pattern in your next relationship. What you need is to learn how to find Real Love—from your wife and others—and how to share it. You can read more about finding Real Love at http://www.RealLove.com.

With Real Love, you can't imagine how different your relationships can be. You'll discover—no surprise—that it's always about Real Love.

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