Improving Self-Confidence in Your Children - Learn to Detach

By: Maureen Staiano
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:21:53
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We all want to assist in improving self-confidence in our children. One of the greatest challenges in parenting is to know when to detach from our children. When to let them make their own mistakes and accept their own consequences. It is a delicate balance and it can feel a little like being on a seesaw as we teeter back and forth between holding them tight and letting them go.

It was so much easier when they were small. We were supposed to take care of their every need to make them safe in an uncertain world. The first time we had to let go, hold our breath and let them take their first tentative steps is when we knew for sure there would be many other times we would be doing just that; holding our breath as they struck out on their own. The first few falls followed by the heartbroken wails and our rushing to “make it all better” were finally replaced by a resolve to let them figure it out on their own. And wonder of wonders they did. We knew they would fall, but we knew just as certainly that walking was necessary for them to move forward in their development and their confidence.

I am sure we can just as vividly remember when they first learned to ride a bike and the day we had to take off the training wheels and let them go. Boy they were so proud even after they crashed. They stood up and dusted themselves off and got back on the bike. We stood by and watched because that was our job. Sure, we applied a few bandages as needed, but we didn’t try to ride the bike for them. We watched as they learned to ride a bike, negotiate the playground and got on the bus for their first day at school.

As parents we were there to hear the stories and give some advice, but we let them learn to manage on their own in small ways, after all, that’s what we learned from our parents. Part of fulfilling our job as a parent is allowing our children to gradually take on more and more responsibility for their own outcome in life. By doing this our children improve their self-confidence. There appears to be reluctance on the part of parents to do that in the last few years. There is a real possibility parents are doing their children more harm than good.

Today many parents seem to be interfering with their children’s lives on many levels. If the child gets a less than perfect grade there is a call to the teacher and if they do not reach the resolution they want they move on to the principal. If the child does not “feel” like going to school the parent calls in and gives the excuse of the child being sick. A friend who is a high school principal recalled having a child sitting in his office. He called the boys mother to arrange a conference. When the boy’s mother heard the principal’s voice she quickly apologized for forgetting to call but said her son was upstairs in bed as he was not feeling well. It was a knee jerk reaction to try and cover for her son.

Many a sports coach will recall getting calls from parents interceding on the behalf of their child, parents trying to get their children on just the “right” team. There are also the parents who want to be back seat coaches and know that their child is not being utilized to their full potential. I’ve even had a parent call up to our family store to get periodic reports as to how his 17 year old was getting along. Although this young man was a decent employee he was not our best. When we honestly related a few areas in which we felt improvement might be warranted, the boy’s employment was terminated; by his father.

This type of parental interference is not allowing the child to be accountable for their own life. They do not learn that they do not always get everything they want and therefore never develop the needed skill of dealing with disappointment. They do not get to accept that their efforts as individuals will generate their own results. Instead someone is always insisting they receive a certain outcome whether it is deserved or not. They can never be quite certain if they earned a grade or a spot on the team or received it because of parental manipulation.

We have done so well in letting them stand on their own as young children only to start crippling them now. The world will not uphold this parental behavior. At some point it will begin to hold our children accountable for their own actions. They will be much better equipped to deal with adulthood if we let them gradually learn to develop accountability as they grow. As they learn to do this they also grow in their self-confidence and in their self-esteem. They understand that life has ups and downs and they are able to take both in stride. It’s time as parents to stand back, hold our breath and trust that they will be okay.

Maureen Staiano is a Life Coach specializing in working with women and the unique challenges, opportunities and transitions we face in our lives. Please visit me: http://www.achieveyourdreamcoaching.com

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