Anger: A Useful Emotion

By: Ralph Notor
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:39:39
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Some people pride themselves on never getting angry.

I was talking to a client in my psychotherapy practice who says she never gets angry. At the time she was telling me about a recent experience that ruined her weekend. She described an disagreement with her roommate that left her feeling really depressed. She ended up staying inside all weekend mulling over what had happened, what each of them had said, and how miserable she felt.

What seemed clear to me, but not so clear to her, was that the conflict with her roommate made her mad. But, because she doesn’t allow herself to express any anger, it got converted into depression—which for many is much more socially acceptable. Here’s a case where finding a safe way to express her anger at her roommate would be a healthier alternative to staying in bed all day.

Some people who say they never get angry are actually really good at managing their anger in a way that it does not show; not even to themselves. But think about your every day life, aren’t there times when things don’t go your way…even small things? It would be normal to have some anger when things don’t go your way. Maybe you call it frustration or irritation rather than anger. It is a good idea to identify this anger, whether or not you decide to do anything about it. Name it. Understand why it exists. Use it, if there is a way to make it useful. Unnamed or unexpressed anger can leak out in different ways that are not very useful—like depression.

To help with this problem, I suggested finding safe ways to express anger. Safe expression means that the anger is expressed in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone. Some safe options include writing out what is bothering you. This could take the form of a letter to someone—a letter that you may not send--or making a journal entry that expresses the depth of your upset. Talking to someone who is a good listener is a good option. Physical activity that allows you use up the energy in a productive way, including exercise, is a great outlet.

Anger creates energy. It is commonly referred to as the fight or flight response. The body prepares itself for a struggle or pulls together its energy to flee from the danger. Managing anger involves finding something to do with this energy. Diffusing this energy can take forms like walking around the block or other exercise. Sometimes, though, the energy can be turned into a useful, motivating thing.

Think about organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Someone got energized to take action to create change in the larger society. Laws have been passed, regulations enacted, programs developed, all because someone became irritated enough and then used that irritation to find a solution to the problem.

Anger is a natural emotion that all of us experience from time to time and it does not have to be destructive, abusive, or violent in its expression.

Ralph Notor is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Since 1993, he has specialized in teaching men the simple tips and techniques they can use to manage their anger more productively. http://www.angersite.com

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