Good Comebacks: How to Make Them Smart Comebacks and Get to the Heart of the Matter

By: Tammy Lenski, Ed.D
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:39:47
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You don’t really feel that way. I know what you’re trying to do here and it won’t work. Stop being so sensitive! You’ve got to get a thicker skin. I know what’s really going on in that head of yours. If I were you I’d find it hard to live with myself.

Ouch! These and all the snide and cruel comments people say during disagreements just beg you to have something smart on the tip of your tongue. Something that would put them in their place once and for all. Something that would show just how smart you are and how truly ludicrous they are.

But you freeze. Or your mind goes blank. Or you’re so angry or hurt that you can’t think clearly. Later, while on your evening jog or in the shower, you think of the absolutely perfect comeback. Too late, though.

And probably just as well.

The problem with most good comebacks is that they’re not smart comebacks. Good comebacks are often witty responses that put the other person in their place. They’re used to demonstrate that you have a nimble mind, even in conflict, to show that you're equal to their challenge, or to prove that you're at least as smart as they are (and maybe smarter). They feel good for a moment.

The really smart comebacks get to the heart of the matter without inflaming the situation further. They seek whatever result you really want instead of the brief satisfaction of wittiness during the heat of the moment. Smart comebacks:

• Are measured, thoughtful responses that show you're paying attention.
• Address the real issues or concerns that lie beneath the other person's challenges or complaints.
• Are door-openers to better understanding---they invite the other person into more effective conversation.
• Save your wit for better uses, such as thinking and acting strategically.

One way to slow yourself down and distract yourself from the quest for a good comeback is to ask these two question instead: What are we really talking about here? And is the way we’re doing it getting us somewhere? Redirect the conversation to answer those questions together. You’ll find that your need for a good comeback goes away when you begin the real conversation you’ve been trying to have.

Dr. Tammy Lenski is the author of I Can't Say That!, a popular blog read by women around the world. A mediator, conflict management coach and educator, Tammy works personally with select women who want to keep their balance in conflict and step up to the conversations that matter most at home and work.

You can receive Tammy's free articles automatically by email by signing up at: http://lenski.com

Are you a woman who avoids difficult conversations, afraid to say what’s on your mind because it might make things worse, or who charges into conflict with a rough edge that leaves debris you’d like to prevent? Find out more about how Tammy can support you at: http://lenski.com/index.php/2006/07/women-dialogue-and-relationship-my-promise-to-you/

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