The Gift

By: Angelique Ellerman
Submitted: 2008-04-10 12:45:47
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The greatest gift I’ve ever been given is the gift of self love and acceptance.  Looking back I never saw it coming, I was just going through life expecting everything to fall beautifully into place, because it’s what I thought I had coming to me after a short, but rather trying life.  The journey to this gift has not been easy to say the least and it took a lot of work to get where I am today.  This gift was from God, although at the time I didn’t view it as a gift, but rather a curse and the beginning of the end.

In 2004 my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer after years of heavy smoking.  Ironically she had finally quit; something I never dreamed she’d do 3months before the diagnosis came.  Not that this kind of news is every easy for anyone, but mom and I took it especially hard because of all we had been through in our short lives.  She was married to the man of her dreams, after wasting 26 years to an abusive marriage and she was so happy.  I was only 24 and though we had forever together.  I was to find out just how blind I really was at that point in my life. 

Mom died on August 21st, 2005 at 7:00 in the morning in the same hospital she had been born in 57 years earlier.  This happened after only an 8 month battle with a very aggressive lung cancer that ended up spreading to her liver and brain, making her very ill and eventually she just gave up and didn’t want to fight anymore.  I remember thinking how she would never leave this earth until I was there to say goodbye, but I was too late.  When I got there, she was gone.  Even though we had always been extremely close and had already talked about the possibility of her dieing, it’s not something you can be totally prepared for, no matter how much planning is involved.  Needless to say I was devastated and to this day the details of that drive and the rest of the day are still cloudy in my memory. 

About 6 months later, I was starting to realize the huge hole that my mother had left in my life.  I always called and talked to her for advice and to top it off, she was the only family I had left.  I left my husband of only 3 years, got divorced, and was thinking about suicide.  I didn’t actually have a plan, but I couldn’t stand feeling the pain anymore and just wanted it all to end.  It was at this moment when I realized I needed help and the only one who could help me get better was me.  So I started to go to counseling, and I found ways to express my grief and loneliness instead of just holding it all inside and letting it slowly kill me too.  I quit smoking, starting exercising and I also started reading a lot of books about self help, love and acceptance and found hobbies that brought me joy and comfort.  In short I was starting to live my life again and found there was a lot to live for.   

It’s taken a long time and a lot of honest self reflection to be able to be where I am today both mentally and emotionally.  This gift may have been from God, but I had to learn how to receive this gift for myself.  I can finally look at myself and accept me.  I love my flaws as well as my strengths and have a better attitude towards life and love than I’ve ever had.  I have good friends and through love have found a sort of family that I’ve never had.  I also found the love of my life on this journey and have learned the keys to a successful and loving relationship.  I learned that my previous life wasn’t the real me.  I was living what I thought was the “American Dream” and thought I knew where I was going, what I wanted and how my life would play out.  What I had failed to see was that I needed to learn to live my life like everyday could be my last by enjoying what I already had and using the time I had been given on this earth wisely, however long that turned out to be.  Life is precious and we should all live and love to our fullest to truly experience everything life has to offer, not just go through the motions. 

I often look back and think how ironic life is.  The strange fact that it takes tragedy to help us see what we’re missing in our lives, but the truth is we all work that way.  Think back on your life and remember the lessons you’ve learned along the way.  When the lesson started, sometimes it started out badly, but it’s through these struggles that we find our strength and learn what we need to continue on our individual journeys.  Each lesson will come in its own time, not before and when you loose someone you love, it’s okay to feel all those feelings.  They are an important part of the healing process, so hold your memories close to your heart and find some comfort knowing that your loved ones are always going to be with you, you’re never alone and that this pain will become bearable with time.

Each of us is truly unique and we all have strength that we didn’t even know we had.  The catch is you have to be brave enough to find it and willing to apply yourself in all you do. Try everyday to be the best person you can be, that way you won’t be mad at yourself if something goes wrong because you know you did your best.  But remember to be gentle with yourself, because some days will be better than others, but you are so worth the effort :-)   If you need to get help, do it!  You don’t have to go through trying times all alone.  Every community has lots of resources to help anyone who is willing to help themselves live a better life.  No one ever said life was going to be easy, but with the right attitude you can literally turn your world upside down and start living the kind of life you thought was only possible in your wildest dreams. 

My hope in writing this is to help others who are going through difficult times in their lives and to serve as a source of strength for those who desperately need some.  If I can take my life and turn it into what it is now, I know anybody can :-)  All it takes is a positive attitude (this can be learned) and practice.  Suddenly life becomes a little brighter and you realize you are on this magical journey full of excitement, adventure and love.  Are you ready to start living? 

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