What's Your Leaving Style?

By: Dr. Mel Glazer
Submitted: 2007-01-17 16:40:00
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Okay, I give up, you are saying. What’s a “leaving style?” Well, it turns out that each of us has our own way of saying goodbye, and that style stays with us for our entire life. No one knows why we have different leaving styles, perhaps we inherit them from our parents, or copy them from our friends, but we each have our own. If you want to know what your leaving style is, here is a sure-fire way of discovering it. Think of the last party you went to. You may have been invited to attend by a friend or by a business associate or by a family relative. So you go and you enjoy the food and the other people there, and then it’s time for you to leave. The question here is: how will you say goodbye? Some people leave quickly, without saying goodbye to everyone there.

In fact, some of us don’t even say goodbye to our hosts, we just leave. “Where is Mel, he was here just a minute ago…” is a comment you will often hear at a party, when you think someone is still there but in fact they already have left without saying goodbye. Some of us leave in the exact opposite way, we will walk around and say goodbye to everyone there, and then (sometimes hours later!) we finally will leave. That is called a leaving style. Some leave without saying goodbye, and some say goodbye but don’t leave! Here’s your life-wisdom for this month: the way you leave a party will be the exact same way you will leave other parts of your lives as well. It’s your leaving style, and it’s real hard to change it, even if you want to.

Not only do we leave parties, but we leave other places in our lives, too. We leave friendships, for example. Most of us grew up believing that once we made a friend, that friendship would last forever. Now perhaps we have wondered why this needs to be, but that’s how we were raised to think. And in fact, some friendships do last forever, and they are a blessing to us and to our friends. Some of us will eventually marry our best friend, others will maintain that special relationship throughout our entire lives. But what happens when it’s time for that friendship to end, when it’s time to say goodbye? Sometimes we move away, or they move away, and we just lose touch with each other. We all know how hard it is to sustain friendships, even under the best of circumstances. But sometimes, something bad or sad happens and we realize that the friendship we had thought would last forever is over, because it is just too difficult to save it. Perhaps we have been hurt by our (former) friend, perhaps we have grown differently and have less and less in common with them.

Whatever the reason, the friendship no longer satisfies us, and it is time to end it. How will we do that? Once again, our own leaving styles take over. Some of us will end the friendship with honor and dignity, we will say goodbye and thank our friend for the joy that they gave to us, even as we begin emotionally to disconnect and move on to a next friend. Some of us will be abrupt and say nothing, or we might even get angry with them as a pretext for ending our friendship. Haven’t you ever yelled at someone on the phone who used to be your friend and then used that as a pretext not to talk to them anymore? Of course you have! For some of us, that’s easier than being honest with them, and with ourselves, about what’s really going on in our heads and in our hearts. No one says we have to stay friends forever! It is how we say goodbye that once again demonstrates our leaving style.

And, as you probably have by now surmised where your Grief Rabbi was heading, when our time comes to leave this world, once again our leaving styles show themselves. You all know people whose lives are coming to an end and who make time to say goodbye to those who meant something to them in their lives. They will begin to wrap things up, to apologize to whomever they have hurt; to forgive those who have hurt them; and to repair those relationships which have come undone. As someone recently said to me two days before she died, “Rabbi, I need to do this before I get to the Other Side.” We all know what she means. But you also know others who just leave this world without expressing any gratitude to those who have shared life with them, or any remorse at those words and deeds that had brought pain to others in their world. It’s just like at a party, some say goodbye and take a long time to leave, and some just leave without saying goodbye. What is your leaving style? Once again, the way you leave a party is the way you will leave The Final Party.

Mel Glazer can be found at http://www.yourgriefmatters.com He uis a Rabbi, Grief Specialist and author, and his first book, "And God Created Hope: Finding Your Way Through Grief With the Lessons of Early Biblical Stories," will be published in January 2007.

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